chronicles IV

dis/un - realistic chronicles IV
13/--042010


"I feel like I'm drowning. My head, my heart, all buried under six inches of mud. I'm nowhere near the ground. All the way, upside & downside ; outside world is blowing up. I fell like I'm choking. Long inhale, long pause, no exhale. A rock sits on my throat, neither moving nor alive. Like all the stars fell down. A redneck, a reckless and stupid act, a faded love, an ignorant fact, an arrogant face, a treat full of shit, a friendship fake...The bricks of the gigantic buildings, the rocks of an enormous mountain...all diabolic, all fake.
I feel like my arms are pulling me down. Like my shoulders going to come off, like I'm gonna explode in the most silent way possible. A fascinating debate, a lovely despair, as if my body going to detach. I feel like I'm going to appear, naked in a highway, all fears spread, all secrets revealed, all lies lying upon the road, screaming out loud. Like a nasty practical joke or a dream unable to be put down.
I feel like I can't run. Not anymore. No shutter left to block the irresistible thoughts. Creation of solitude trade off. The whole being stretches to the edges, nearly broke. Reasonable movements, irrevocably destroyed. The most ardent hopes diminished as fountain grows. The proportion arise as last - trust - ships go down. When will I fall? When I will lose all the strength and sanity I once rose. Nice and easy it should be. After all chaotic inside-term-negotiations a little peace it should give. I do believe in green leaves, I've seen the most beautiful meadows and felt the most possible stillness. I did best of all, worst of all and all the rest in between. Leaves grow pale, meadows turn into junkyard. With time the good and the bad turn out to become relative. And all that in between stays the same.
I feel like I'm torn apart. All the life come undone. Struggles forgotten, sufferings untouched. Old dances remained unliked, and all tomorrows parties are desirable enough. Yet no single one can phase back to what it was or shift shapes to an unknown form of life. All remain same, yet every little thing has exactly changed. How come sit and not feel a train becoming a wreck. How come to ignore everything ahead. To stick on to yourself while the earth under collapse. The biggest mass of pain born in the very same spot of the self. Nevertheless who could blame the colour pink for drying out the world with silly lies.
I feel like I'm six feet under the ground. Yet no serenity, no composure arrives. Nothing disappears when you close your eyes. Lived through the disdain, the compassion, sharp words, the disgrace. Heartbreak is eveywhere. Fear grabs once self - confidence surrender. Isolation follows through and loneliness does not ask permission to move in. Unnoticed, a mess is born. Out of its ashes, who knows what shall grow.
I feel like I can't breath. Holding a reverence to all those past breathtaking moments, all like blurred memories resting in mind. Like a sneak -peak of rom-com movie which you can't be a part of or ever watch the whole. How do I suppose to not wonder, or move on. Relying on miracles leads nowhere but more sorrow. I know how a white rose smells, I've felt the most attractive scents. I've been many of them. Roses die and scents fly away. Eventually everything that holds butterflies inside, dig their own graves.
I feel like I'm not feeling. Not anymore. No more agony, no more self - control, no more counting, waiting, hoping, loving or hating. I'm no more existing. Like reading your own penalty out of o survival game happens to have a dead end. Announcing yourself only to yourself , what a wretched disappointment you've ended up. What a nice script to roll over and over. Next generations to watch & learn or wait & see. What are the odds you've become exactly what you've thought. The worst - case - scenario, unpredictably written, never wanted but couldn't impede. You're all those little obstacles. Distraction for the construction. Make believing lasts for some time for sure. Daydreaming keeps alive the dreams. Everything flows in the course of nature. And naturally no one stands against, yet not happily taking or accepting it. I've walked many paths. I've seen many crossroads, some easy, some leaded milestones. No road is a never ending maze after all. Since everybody takes one and wait for it to cross. And there are requests and wishes on the other side. Hardly materialized, hardly meets expectations. And there is patience, and there is pride. Greed and modesty. Some are down to earth some are burning out of ambition. Some stay still, some run. What is there, what else is there to hang on. All the complains, all the unexpected outcomes, unwelcome consequences, undesired results. In the end, persuasion is all we got. Believing is all we wish for. Following the conviction is the main goal. Loving is all we have. Giving some things to some ones who does not want at all. All we do is trading... everything we got, so little, so much, on & off, anyhow "send & receive" is all we want.
I feel like I'm healing , every time, just before drowning again."







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