an old dedication

I had plenty of time to cover up myself.

Cover over the years, over the deals, over the people.

I always have my own way around, for some reason I did not share it with everyone.

I had my things, what done is done.

I wish everything was more clear, easier and bright.

My sun, my opening for time is a defeating guide.

It leads me nowhere, grabs me as a whole, and breaks into millions of pieces in one shot.

Why do you listen to me?

Why do you care such lies?

Why do you stand near?

Were you meant to be here?

I had my things, what said is said.

Some did gone away, some stayed and cared.

Who did choose to be my pretty hand?

Who did ignore to be a tool of my head?

All resist, all accept.

All of me, surrounded by all of them.

My darkness, exclusive portraits of a common judge.

If you choose to fall, go 'till the bottom line.

If you will be standing near, don’t hide.

If you love me please don’t lie.

If you hate me please do no harm.

I was meant to be somewhere else, anywhere but here, anywhere more than misery fields.

I was used to be smiling for every sin.

Now I tremble and shake; now I chill...

Seriously why are you here?

Reading my purple tahomas, my commas, my dots, my big mistakes over little lives.

Why do you listen when no one else really seems to care?

I do have a hard time adapting new comings.

I seem to have not.

All the way here, I did OK.

I let myself manipulated.

If I did stop somewhere I should have known all the wrong way.

My path was clear, full of fake pebbles, artificial lovers.

My tears were real; my mind created them and spread 'em around in every little affair.

My sun was shining so bright, everyone who comes near went blind.

I was the fear; they were my soldiers who supposed to guard.

But they were not meant to be whom I shall trust.

They were wrong choices, fast decisions, altering creatures.

They did fool me, deceived me, harm me, hurt bad and left.

I was slow, easy, eager to live.

I was a cloud spreading joyful raindrops to make them believe.

Believe in everything is going just the way they supposed to be.

They dry my rain, they stepped on my life, and they killed my killing smiles.

Maybe I never had that tiny hands, big heart and glamorous eyes.

They fooled me, and I fooled myself.

I never meant to be.